Boooo! Halloween Is Scarier Than Ever

By all accounts, Halloween isn't just scary, it's potentially deadly. If you pay attention to media reports, parents have every reason to be positively paranoid about the day, and evening, before All Saints Day. They should fear all manner of awful consequences if their precious offspring are permitted to actually walk about their neighborhoods, knock on front doors and ask for a treat. God only knows what will happen to them out there. Every house, after all, is probably inhabited by a latent pedophile or a distant relative of Jack the Ripper or The Zodiac Killer. The threats, according to vivid reports all over cable-TV, the Internet and other sources, are almost too many to mention. The bottom line is always the same: Keep your delicate kid on a very short leash on Halloween. And, by all means, make sure he or she is dressed appropriately, that is, politically correctly. Gender-neutral, non-bullying, racially attractive, you get the idea. The last thing you want is a slobbering zombie with terrible breath, bad hair and a speech impediment who resembles Barack or Michelle Obama. Now that is simply out of bounds, and maybe grounds for an official complain with the Halloween police. You can't be too careful. Maybe Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen costumes would be OK. On second thought, maybe not. How about Bernie Madoff? Ah, yes. Now there's a no-brainer. This guy is doing time in the Big House for scamming clients out of billions of dollars. He is loathed by more people than Michael Savage. If Madoff isn't frightening, who is? Boooo!